Friday, July 18, 2008

...howwwzattt... first cut is the deepest...

It's never over till the fat lady sings
By Nel-Fahro Rozi

KUALA LUMPUR, July 18 (Bernama) -- Ever heard that popular adage, "it's never over till the fat lady sings"? Coined by a sportswriter and broadcaster Dan Cook, it was a form of self-assurance (or in denial) in the face of long odd, often muttered when things look grim.

That reminds me of that day two years ago when everything looked a little grim for me. I shouldn't feel that way, but I couldn't help my tears when I heard that The Ex-Husband had recently remarried.

I heard he went to Manila in the Philippines to marry The Other Woman. From what I know, they had been having an affair since the year before he left me five years ago. He must be in love with her for remaining with her for those many years, because his two other extra-marital affairs only lasted a month or two.

Jogging down the memory lane, five years ago, I was terribly devastated and deeply hurt by his betrayal. It was my fault that my entire universe revolved around him. When he had forsaken me without a word, except for a short sms to tell me that our marriage was over, I was so devastated, especially after reading what he wrote to in his break-up e-mail to me. He said that his ideal has changed. I was his ideal. Suddenly he realised I was no longer that.

My entire universe collapsed in a heap before my eyes. I really thought I would die of a broken heart. But thankfully, I didn't die, although at that time I wished I did. Looking back, it was ridiculous to think that I was almost suicidal. I am glad I survived. That was a blessing. Still is.

Nonetheless, I still am a little hurt by how he disposed off me after all these years, perhaps because he is still very much a part of me. I know that because I cried myself to sleep after hearing that news of him remarrying two years ago.

As Sheryl Crow sang, "first love is the deepest, first cut is the deepest..." He was after all my first love, and my first cut.

I guess I had not really let go of him two years ago. Tell me this, how can I throw away 15 years of my life with him, of which seven years I was married to him? That is like almost half of my life. I would be suffering from serious amnesia if I did!

I had not dislodged him from my heart, and it felt like that irritating little fish bone that got stuck in my throat. That was perhaps one of the reasons why in the last few years I could not commit 100% to a relationship with another man.

Not until two years ago, when I realised that I must let him go. I realised that what I should be looking for was not his replacement, and even my ideal, or Mr. Right as people call it, as I have learned from my ex-husband that ideals do change sometimes. There is no Mr. Right; I am just looking for my other half.

I thought, and still think that things would have been a lot easier for me, if The Ex-Husband was man enough to give me a proper closure in ending our marriage. The Ex-Husband never once told me in person he was sorry for what he did to me. He just wrote a two liner apology in a festive greeting card sent to me via the snail mail. Just saying sorry to me in my face would make a big difference to me by leaps and bounds. I guess his ego is thicker than The Great Wall of China.

Guess what, "it's never over til the fat lady sings" no more. I am not a sore loser. I may lose in this game of love with him, but I did learn great lessons.

Nonetheless, like energy, love cannot dissolve, it just evolves...

So, because we were together for a good 15 years and half of that time I was married to The Ex-Husband, my love for him has grown to become somewhat unconditional, so it cannot be undone. The old love that used to be, had evolved into another form. I would like to eventually call it friendship, and as a friend, I am happy that he is happy with his choice. I'm happy that he has found his ideal, whatever that means. Honestly, I really am.

A belated congratulations, darling!


Nel-Fahro Rozi, a single-again 30 something career woman, is an experienced Corporate Communications Practitioner and is just starting a new career in Human Resource Development, for a large and established conglomerate in Kuala Lumpur. Nel is an avid reader, loves writing, likes travelling and enjoys the great outdoors. Nel also writes through her blog when she finds her spare time.

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